Ope: Honestly, I don’t know what we were thinking.
Jubril: We said it. We told Edet we didn’t want any olosho*. I used the exact word. Only for us to be talking about “we go charge you Lagos price”.
O: I swear. This guy promised us sophisticated babes to have conversation with. And then they showed up looking like Adeola Hopewell spec.
J: I said hi to the first one and she replied coldly and went back to looking at her phone. I was worried my mouth was smelling.
O: They had the weirdest “straight to business” approach. I knew right away we were with the wrong people.
J: And then the pimp-looking, pretty (relatively) one pulls us outside to clear us. “Use your sense. Do you expect women you don’t know to leave their house and hang out with you for free? You’re Lagos boys now. You suppose know as e dey go.”
Just in case you’re confused, here’s a quick backstory.
While exploring Calabar, Jubril and I spent some time touring the Marina Resort accompanied by a young nice tour guide called Edet.
Edet probably liked that we are young guys, so he indulged us in conversation about things like weed and was eager to answer the question we ask when we’re in any city:
“Where do we go to find girls”.
J: 😭. He answered eagerly, “Yes, I can call you some girls, clean girls”. Worst part is, I remember immediately saying we just wanted to meet cool people who could show us around town. Girls we could have conversations with. Not prostitutes. Not oloshos!
O: He probably didn’t hear that part.
J: We said it like four times…
O: He thought we were joking. Just coy and shit you know. No oloshos. *wink*.
J: Shit. Maybe he didn’t know what olosho meant because this is Calabar. Shiiiit.
O: Worddddd! Anyway, he promises to find us cool people we can have a conversation with and show us around. Only thing he needs is N5,000 for their cab to the hotel.
J: I mean, N5,000 to get “sophisticated”, hopefully college-educated babes to show us Calabar nightlife and then we part ways? Works for me! Tbh, college-educated was kind of a reach. It’s Calabar.
O: You know we still had to pay 1,500 for this same cab. Apparently the N5,000 was pimp fees. Tax inclusive.
By now, you’re wondering “Okay, you idiots thought a fucking tour guide would find you Year 5 law students in Unical that know how to have a good time, show you around, and don’t want your money?”
O: Tbh, it’s not too much of a reach. We‘ve gotten pretty good recommendations like this in other cities.
J: From tour guides though?
You, on your high horse: Anywayyyyy, you guys have accounted for N6,500. Where did the remaining 10k go?
J: *laughs uncontrollably*
O: I’m quite ashamed about this part. Because, this babe really insulted us.
J: I swear. From “Are you not Lagos boys” to “That’s why we like old men. They’re married and so they know it’s straight to business”.
O: We were there like…. So….. This is not what we…. Ehmm… We told Edet that….
J: Sigh. Shame, Shame.
O: She even called us butty** at some point. Had the audacity to be asking about our relationship statuses.
J: Man, she concluded that you were fucking gay.
O: Anyway, we wanted to be cool dudes so we told her we’d give all three of them transport money to go back home.
J: She was quick to give us account details. I wanted to send N5,000 but couldn’t login to my bank app.
O: Fuck GTB. Shame + Pride + Jubril’s Internet Woes = Opemipo sending oloshos N10,000 for doing absolutely nothing.
J: Actually, it was MTN. Fuck MTN.
O: Fuck the oloshos.
J: Yeah, Fuck them too.
O: Fuck Edet.
J: We might have been better off using Tinder.
Jubril Olambiwonnu and I suffered this terrible, terrible experience, and wrote this together. We have some other stories from the other cities we’ve visited together (5+ cities fam), so you should probably follow him and gas him up so he can start writing.
Peace out, glossary below.
- Olosho (n) pronounced hoe-low-show:
Prostitutes (obviously dumbass).
- Butty (adj) pronouced bor-ti:
A shameful word used on privileged people to mean they’re spoilt and spineless and all kinds of weak. Truly, you can use this word in many ways to insult someone better off in life than you.