Paroxysms of rage

I was violent as a younger person. In my teens I was unduly violent. Then I realized it needed to stop, I needed to be a better person. So, I quit the life of anger and dropped the emotions I dragged everywhere. I tried to be peaceful, gentle, seeking the calm way to resolve everything. Not because vocal people have a problem, but because for me that was a level of zen to attain. That would be a life goal, to be able to subdue myself no matter what.

No matter what, yeah?

I’m 23, and in the past three years, I’ve had five incidents where I’ve been angered to shout violently at people, one incident where I hit someone, and one incident when I’ve shoved another. Two of these three people have been people I dated. Shameful, yes. I’ve realized these are the only people I let close enough, close enough to weaken my resolve and show old character.

People are annoying. I am weak. I am even weaker inebriated.

Indeed, every one of these times, I’ve been very drunk. I have terribly high alcohol tolerance, but to every man his limit. Even if I don’t get drunk to stupor, I’ve logged terrible behaviour with a lot of alcohol in my system. With two physical and five vocal outbursts on my sheet, I do not need any more burden of proof.

The continuity of life and the things you cannot take back.

The first time I hit my then girlfriend, I was the most remorseful. I wanted to hurt myself badly. I felt like I had failed with everything I had tried to do for myself. The second time I shoved the other, two years apart, it was the same remorse. There was this haunting feeling I was still violent and I was only masked, not corrected. Yet, I reminded myself I’ve tried so hard, and maybe I’m almost corrected, but not just there. But how do I convince these people that it’ll never happen again. How do I really make it stop forever.

Take out the booze, take out the anger.

Seems simple enough. Stop getting drunk, and you get your good character back 100% of the time. I don’t know if it’s enough, but it must be done and I hope it is. It’s the only thing that doesn’t check. I hope with that I solve myself. I hope that’s all the help I need now. I don’t want any more chances. I want to see this as the last chance I have to fix me.

Sorry doesn’t even begin to cut it.

Apologies are boring, mostly because they don’t come with proof. To prove this new found me, I’ll need annoying people, I’ll need to be insulted and slapped, I’ll need my ego to rear its ugly head, I’ll need to be disrespected. I don’t get those on demand. I’m not sure the conditions under which I went violent will ever be replicated. So how can I prove to have changed to anyone? It’s most scary that I’ll never be able to take these things back.

Regardless, Fuck me.

I won’t forgive myself until I’m yet in another situation where I can bring things under good control regardless of the triggers, regardless of the people involved. I won’t forgive myself until I stop getting drunk.

If this is personal to you, I hope you forgive me. But more importantly, I hope you believe me.

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