Getting older and recognising my patterns of behaviour has been really interesting. For instance, the Friday Night Void: the tendency for me to feel sad and alone after a really busy week.
This condition is triggered by a sharp drop in things I have to think about. Because I can be so obsessive and engaged with work during the week, it can feel lonely when everything goes silent on Friday.
At first I don’t know what to do with myself, so I crave people. Then I end up on social media because the decision of who to reach out to can be paralysing. And of course, my sadness only gets worse. I’m suddenly reminded of all these other lives and I feel bad for being disconnected.
After wasting time feeling sad, I start to remember all the things I have to do: write something, work on my website, finish the Coursera, reach out to someone, try a recipe, finish a book, reply a text, plan for a trip, etc.
As it dawns on me how much time I owe myself, I realise that I actually want to be alone. I remember what it’s like to be with myself: eating, sleeping, reading, thinking, journalling, new music, old playlists, Mubi films, Netflix anime, and all the other things. It feels like I have purpose again, and the sadness dissolves.
Realising this pattern doesn’t make me immune to it. I still catch myself doing the sad boy routine before recognising it as the Friday Night Void. But when I finally do, I welcome it like an old friend.